I wish . . .

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.  You are so much more than what you think you are.  You are funny and smart and charming.  You deserve more than her.  If she really loved you, she wouldn't cheat.  I don't believe drinking can be an excuse for anything. There have been plenty of times when I was drunk that I did things I shouldn't, but I knew they were wrong when I did them.  She's cheated on you before, can't you see she isn't right for you?  I'm not saying I am, but you and I both know there is something between us.  I don't know why you think your and asshole, cause your not.  You are one of my favorite people.  I think you want to be an asshole cause then you wouldn't care about her, but you do and I'm so sorry she hurt you! . . . again . . . I know  you have a history, but from what you tell me it doesn't sound like a good one.  I don't know what you and I have been doing all summer, but how much can you really like her when you play with me?  I don't know what I'm doing with you, besides hurting myself, yet I can't stop liking you.  But if you really want to be with her, tell me so and I'll let you guys be.  We can still hang out, but I won't be flirty as hard as that will be for me, I just want you to be happy.  I don't know how I get myself into these messes but they just seem to find me . . .

I don't understand . . .

I feel so lost . . . so alone. I feel as though no one really understands. How could they, I don't even understand. I feel like the walls are falling down around me. There is so much I want, goals, a future and I just can't seem to get there. So many things seems to stand in my way. I realize working for something is the best way, and I'm no stranger to hard work but it's not a hill I'm trying to climb, it's not even a mountain. I'm trying to get up a straight glass wall that has no grips or hand holes. I feel like no matter how hard I try at anything, I get nowhere. And besides that people around me keep disappointing me. I try to put my faith in people, but every time I do, they disappoint me. I don't want to not trust people, but mankind makes it hard. Perhaps I should go back to my jaded self that expects the worst in people and that way I'm not disappointed. I also seem to get way to emotional over the little things in life. Small disappointments become something so much more. I try not to make mountains out of mole hills, but things just seem to hit really hard lately. I feel like I need to get out of this town, out of this city, clear my head. I want to escape.

The Summer in Reveiw

I think this had to go on record as one of my best summers ever! It all started with Core. I got a new job and started the last week of May . . . and that is when the craziness really began. I went down to San Diego for my birthday where I rented and beach house with some friends for a week and just lounged about. That was amazing . . . waking up everyday and just hitting the beach, that's the life. I also go to see and bunch of old high school buddies, including my first kiss. Let's just say there was still a spark and leave it at that. A bunch of us went out to a Bar for my 24th Birthday, where my sister kept finding people for me to take birthday shots with. All in all my trip to San Diego was pretty chill, but really awesome. When I got back to San Jose it was back to work at my amazing new job. I can't express enough how awesome the people that I worked with this summer were. On July 4th the real party started with the return of a good friend to the states. A huge party was thrown for his home coming and the summer drinking really began there. The next big event was work related and made for a crazy busy, but fun summer. I think the biggest event this summer was having the brits come to visit. There whole two weeks here was a nonstop party. I still think my two favoite days are the night of drinking at the beach on the life guard towere and the beach house day with breakfast, boogie boarding, brownies, movies and a butt ton of Chineese food. Although the candel light party was pretty awesome as well. Those boys are a huge part of why this was the best summer ever. I'd party till 4 in the morning and be up are ready for work at 7. I think I was altered everyday from July 4th till the last day of summer. After the brits left it was back to the crazyness that was work. This inclued long days, lots of flirting and many a late night. There sure were a lot of cute boys this summer. I also met new friends through friends and patied it up with them. I think the summer came to an awesome close with one last crazy adventure. Me and my two best boys took a mini roadtrip to go hiking . . . we ended up no where near the origial destination, but it was perfect. We had lost of fun and took many a photo. As if that wasn't enough we headed down to SF's Haight district that night and picked up a fe new toys. It made for and awesome last day of summer . . . followed by a party at my place the next night to offically say farewell to summer. For all the people who helped make this summer amazing thanks a million. To all the new friends made this summer, you will not soon be forgoten and I know our lives with cross paths again some day. This is no where near a full account of the summer cause that would take far to long but this is the highlights thans for making it awesome!

Thoughts

I heard a quote tonight and found it struck a chord in me . . . "Sometimes we write the things we can't say" How true that is to me you'll never know and maybe even more true is . . . sometime we write the things were afraid to say. For me anytime it's something really hard or really "scary" I write it out. I find safety and comfort in words, even if the person I wrote them for never gets to read them. I have written many letters in my life that have never been sent, and I never had the intention to send. I don't like people to know I'm weak. I put up this strong from like no one can hurt me and I'm invincible, but I cry when I'm alone. And lately I've been alone a lot. I feel like everyone around me has someone . . . and I'm all alone. When I moved to Northern California the only thing that stayed the same and kept me sane was my job. Through all the crazy changes in my life my job has remained constant and today I quit that job, I just hope like hell I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life, that I didn't give up my one constant, my one sane part of my life. I know I have friends who love and care about me, but most of the time I just feel alone and lost. Everyone around me seems to have some plan for their life that they are working towards and getting closer to everyday. Everyone around me is moving forward and I fear I am standing still.

Wish I didn't know

Ever have someone tell you something you would rather not have known? Why do people always feel the need to confide in me and tell me their secrets and their problems? Why ask me for advice? Sometimes I'd rather not know your secrets and I'd rather not give you advice. What makes people think I'm trust worthy? Some days I just want to tell all the secrets I know to the whole world. I wish you wouldn't have told me cause your secret makes me feel sad . . . because it's her and not me. Why is it always someone else? Why can't I be the girl for once . . . prob better it's not me, cause you couldn't handle me any way . . . I've yet to find someone who can!

My awesomely amazzing two weeks that ended crapy!

I had an amazing two weeks! It all started when my friend came up from San Diego on Friday and we went to the Monterey bay aquarium together

We saw lots of cool fish and such.The Jelly fish were amazing.

Plus we caught up on each others lives. It was really fun cause we hadn't seen each other in over four years. We also went out to the bar that night and she got trashed and that was super fun to watch.

Then on Sunday Lindsay and I went to the Alkaline Trio show (one of my favorite bands). We were in the pit and it was so much fun. I had all kinds of bruises the next day and my voice was kinda gone too. Then Tuesday night I went to the Jimmy Eat World and Paramore show which again was amazing, I always forget how mush I love JEW till I see them play! Then on Thursday night I drove down to San Diego to see family and friends. I got there around 4:30 am and crashed. I got up the next day around 12ish. And that day was just a lazy day hanging out with the family. Saturday I went to the beach with my best bud since 4th grade, Lucia. Took me ages and ages to find parking but it was so worth it the weather was perfect for the beach.

Caught some awesome rays then went home to get ready to go see Panic and the Disco. The show was kinda not good cause they slowed all of their old songs down to match the new stuff, but I still had fun. After the show we went out to OB (That's Ocean Beach for all of you non-locals). I met up with my sister there and it was really fun! We met some cool people and had a good time. I met a really cool guy who I hope to have more stories about in the future.

Think I got home around 3 . . . I went to go play on the beach drunk, awesome you should try it! Sunday I met up with an old friend for lunch and I got to meet her cute little son for the first time which was really fun. He's a total cutie! Then I went home had some awesome bbq and went to go see Say Anything and HOB. Awesome, Amazing, Always a good time. Monday was my last Day in San Diego and it was really sad. I went to get my teeth cleaned and then went and hung out with my sister at here work for a while and then went home and cleaned the inside of my car cause it was nasty (horchata had been spilled in there for over 2 months) Then my mom trimmed my hair and I sadly left the city. It was really depressing I just kept dragging my feet casue I didn't want to leave. It was a long sad drive back, but I made it through Coalinga alive and back to SJ at like 3am and promptly went to sleep cause I had work at 9am. Woke up the next morning throwing up no fun at all and was sick for the rest of the week. I think a large part of this was depression because I didn't want to leave home and all my family and friends. But I'm better now and back to normal and that was my two weeks.

I sound like a man! Ugggg!

I left really late Tuesday night to drive down to Visalia to help open a new Tilly's. Store openings are my favorite. I got there about 2:30 am and hit the hay immediately because I had to be up at 6:00am and down stairs in the lobby at 7:00 with the rest of the Tilly's crew. I woke up with a sore throat, but I just figured it was from all the chain smoking the night before to stay awake and hoped it would go away. We got to work at 8:00 am and unloaded a truck with a slew of problems. First we didn't have a key for the lock on the truck, so we just cut it off problem solved. Then the boxes wouldn't scan into the pos system so me and my boy scout like skills came prepared with my knife and I just cut all of the labels off . . . this is about 300 boxes that I had to cut bar codes off of . . .Ugggg, but working like the awesome team we are and even with the problems we were done in a little over and hour . . . it took Vegas 3+ hours, maybe they should drink less lol. So the first day went great, so great that we finished everything for Wednesday as well. After a long exhausting day and no sleep I went back to the hotel and hit the hay. I woke up around 4am to one of the girls in my room crying (I guess she was having boy troubles), my other roomy asked if I was sleeping and I said no in a very deep and manly sounding voice, apparently it wasn't the chain smoking I guess I really was getting sick. The next morning lobby time was 8am and my voice was only getting worse. I got some tea with honey from starbucks, but I couldn't seem to shake the man voice. We had a training day at work with all of the new hires and I redid the bag wall which turned out amazing if I do say so.

I also created this cool beachy looking post set-up that I'm really digging and my DVM thought turned out great. There was two girl sides and two guys sides.

The team went out to dinner after and had a drink and it was a really fun time had by all. My DM and DVM went back to there room and the rest of us went out to this little brewery behind our hotel and had a few more drinks. Not the best idea on my part given that I was getting sick, but I never get to hang out with theses people, so I said screw it and got a good buzz going. After the bar closed (at 11:30 mind you, Visalia is a small town) we went and hit up the hottub which closed at 10, but we didn't care. We went to be around 1:30 and had to be up packed and ready to check out at 7:00 am. I woke up and felt like I was hit by a train. It had gone from a sore throat to full on runny nose aches and just yucky feeling. So my day sucked and the worst part was even if I got to go home early I still had a 3 1/2 hour drive. She let me go at 3:00 and I can't believe I didn't get in an accident on the way back cause I'm pretty sure I was asleep for most of it and I was the one driving I woke up a few times cause I ran off the side on those bumps designed to wake truckers up . . . well they work. I finally made it back safe and sound to San Jose at 7:00 and went to sleep till the next morning at about 11:00 am. I fell better still have a stuffy nose, however my voice is all kinds of gone. Call me if you want to here how bad it sounds. Hope all is well and everyone has an awesome and safe St. Patrick's Day tomorrow!

Picture Perfect?

Ever seen one of those deliriously happy family or couple pictures? Ever wonder what's really behind it? Pictures may be worth a thousand words, but what are those words? I spent a good deal of time faking happy, pretending nothing was wrong. There are tons of pictures from those times and I often wonder whether anyone other than me can tell. Faking a smile is easy I've modeled, I've faked smiles for hours on end. Can the world tell? Can my friends tell? Can my family tell?

An End

It's weird to see something end. Something that was so much a part of my life for nearly two years ended the other day with one little seven word sentence. I think we should just be friends. How is it that one sentence can end nearly two years of love. But did that sentence end it or was it just the "Out Loud" ending. My boyfriend broke up with me . . . oddly enough the same day I finally decided enough is enough and I can't fake this anymore. For me it was over long before that sentence. Some where along the way I fell out of love. How does one fall out of love I wonder. For that matter how does one fall in love. Matters of the heart, now there is some messy business. I was sad to see something end. He and I closed the door on love, yet we opened another door, friendship. Now I know all the cynics say once you have been in love you can't be friends. Why not I say? Friendship is just a different kind of love. If you ask me friendship is better than relationship. In my experiences friends stick around longer. Maybe it's just because I haven't had that "great love" experiance, but I love my friends more. I know it will be hard to make that change from lover to friend, but nothing worth having is ever easy. So I say goodbye to a love in the hopes for an amazing friendship.